A Not So Triumphant, Somewhat Furtive Return

I haven’t been here (read: posted) in a long time... One year and four months to be (relatively) exact. It’s not that I haven’t tried. It’s just that I kept trying to play catch up. I’d start writing and at some point, find myself unable to continue. Maybe it was shame. Or self disgust that prevented me. Maybe I just couldn’t stand the idea of being publicly vulnerable anymore. Maybe I was just trying to ensure the interest of certain entities died out prior to my return. I can’t say entirely for certain, but I know it’s time to come back. This blog was always supposed to be part exposure therapy (being vulnerable is hard), part sanctuary (a place where I get to write whatever I want).

The nomadic part of my journey might end soon -- or at least, go on a prolonged, indeterminate hiatus. Many (realistically, most) of my efforts since I started living this way have failed. I’m sad, I’m down, my confidence is low, but I still think there’s value in what I’ve been doing... Even though I feel lost, unattractive, stupid, foolish, battered, and kind of worthless... Even though in some ways I feel like all of the healing work I’ve done has done little but provide an ever-increasing and endless illumination of just how broken I am... My inner optimist is still whispering to me from the dark, “Just hold on, my sweet. The diamonds are in the tar pit; it’s only natural to get stuck in the muck while searching for them, but we won’t stay. Eventually we’ll rise to the surface with our riches, and all we have to share. Just hold on. Be patient. Trust me.”

I started crying while I wrote that last part. 

Trust. Faith. What elusive commodities. The world is broken. So am I. What is there to trust?

But trust we must. 

Anyway, dear void (blog) and non-existent readers: I love you. Thank you for co-existing with me on this little blue pearl. Can you imagine how terrible it would be if we existed alone in our own individual universes?

May we learn to love ourselves, each other, and our Great Mother Earth better every day.

Hopefully, I’ll write again soon, and when I do it’ll be a real story, instead of... Whatever this was.